The Empire Strikes Back! A bi-weekly column exposing the filthy, dirty, rotten, no-good shenanigans of everyone’s favourite hated and despised ex-colonialists...
Last week, the British Foreign Secretary Boris Johnson paid a visit to Banjul, Gambia to congratulate the incoming President Mr. Barrow and secure a trade deal after Brexit (for anyone unclear on Brexit, here is the condensed version: 50 years after giving up on their experiment to colonise ⅓ of the globe, the Brits are now complaining immigration and have voted pulled out of the European Union in a strop about it).
Mr Johnson told the press conference that he was “very pleased that Gambia wants to re-join the Commonwealth", after that madman Jammeh withdrew from it in a strop (*cough* remind you of anything, Boris?), accusing it of being a “neo-colonial institution”. With a grand total of 3 countries signing the aforementioned trade deal, there can be absolutely no doubt at all ever in a million years, that this will be the deal to bring confidence to the post-brexit Britain and shut those ‘Bremoaning’ liberals up and make sure that they won’t be signing petitions or wasting their time protesting if Johnson extends an invitation to President Barrow for a state visit, which must surely be imminent.
In another, under-reported, deal the President also assured the British Foreign Secretary that Gambia would be officially renamed "The Gambia" in due course. Mr Barrow also promised to increase Gambian global influence by staying the International Colonial Court (Ed- are you sure C stands for colonial?). He also promised Mr Johnson that he is going to severely punish that crazy Bojangles minister who wrongly branded the ICC "the International Caucasian Court" and promised no further embarrassment.
This is a blow to the African Onion (AO), the international organisation of African governments which promotes “cooperation among the independent nations of Africa” and “prosperity among its luxury hoteliers and conference providers”. The AO recently passed a motion calling members to withdraw from the ICC. Some AO member states have also threatened to reject aid from their former colonial bullies, a blow to spend-all’s EU and Britain.
The Commonwealth Office has also confirmed that Britain’s Johnson will soon be heading to start tough negotiations with yet another former ally, Zimbabwe, and is hopeful that Zimbabwe will re-join the "Colonial Survivors Club" (as the Commonwealth is unofficially known). Mr Johnson has expressed anxiety at the possibility of being ‘put in his place’ by Robert, but conceded that negotiations must be swift and transparent, starting by the end of March at the latest, as the old man may kick the bucket at any time (regular Zimbabweans, however, seem less panicked than Johnson as Madam Grace Mugabe has recently indicated that Mugabe will contest next year’s election whether dead or alive).
In other news on the continent, Rwanda has opted to make Kiswahili it’s official language, prioritising it over the mother-tongue of the devil himself, English. Mr Kagame once angered the French by officially recognising his preference of English after he entered office, but now it is their turn to laugh at the English, le haha! Mr Kagame has warned that any civil servant caught speaking vernacular in office will be suspended.
And before I go, time for one more alternative fact! The Nigerian President, Mr Buhari, has tweeted that he is well and not seriously ill contrary to the fake news following his short trip for a medical check up in England. The leader of the “giant of Africa” will be back late this week, to continue fighting corruption and medical tourism in Europe, in line with his electoral promise...