My countrymen, women, beloved Bazukulu and citizens of Africa, greetings to you all.
I would like to begin by wishing you all very hoppy new year. Following the ongoing tide of unsolicited appraisal of the state of African affairs by Western forces, I am inevitably compelled as the foremost son of Africa and seer-in-chief of this wonderful continent, to release a comprehensive analysis of the most important events of 2018 that define us today. Let me start with developments from here in East Africa.
Our co-operation to build moral institutions has gone from strength to strength and I invite you all to join me in congratulating myself for almost banning Nyege Nyege festival. Yes! And I am no longer alone. I must applaud my fellow statesman, President Megafool, for stepping up to imperialist forces and realising his nation's most pressing need: a squadron of gaybusters in the police department. Our Kenyan friends sadly fell short of our collective moral standards by permitting the movie, Rafiki, to be screened, too easily distracted by the promise of an Oscar!! I might direct them to redouble the efforts of moral cop Ezekiel Mutua. That fine man personally committed two gay lions to a psychiatric facility, where they have since been nursed back to their senses. And, I hear he has devised a process to tourists responsible for training our very straight animals to be gay!!
We Africans have come a long way. Our ability to make technology serve us continues to be unrivaled. My government is now getting the much-needed revenue from "gossip tax" even as East Africa continues to produce imaginative scientists, such as the architect inspired by a donkey's penis to build the iconic KICC building.
This year, our region has reaped the fruits of my shining example, and pioneered the rights of our mothers and daughters beyond the call of duty! It all began when I, very progressively, appointed my wife to the cabinet in 2016. Finally my fellow leaders have caught on. The sprightly new Ethiopian leader, Abiy, has handed women power on a silver platter. Mr Pombe-Megafool has protected women and girls from the evils of teen pregnancy, by casting fallen young girls out of their places of education and into the fringes of society, where they will no longer be a nuisance to their fellow female students!
Tragically, only Kenya lags behind. Eight years after my colleagues declared to elect 2/3 women to parliament, they have sadly been unable to find any qualified women in the entire country, to fill the posts. Which comes as a bit of a shock – only now is it emerging that being adequately qualified was a requirement for becoming a Kenyan lawmaker. I urge brother Uwool-ru to continue consulting my book on tokenism to avert the tragedy that has befallen Rwanda’s legislature.
Fellow Africans, our continent continues to face challenges that have caught some governments unbelievably unprepared. I feel sorry for my brother Omar Bashir. In the very least, he should have been brave enough to have police beat up a few journalists to show these ungrateful youth drunk on the so-called people power what to expect if they challenge the wise.
The other day comrade Mugabe was overthrown by thugs within the army and amazingly, that was called not a coup. Comrade Nkurunziza can’t even leave Burundi for fear of the same fate. We must learn from the best military strategists such as myself (pause…)
Africa continues to encourage trade; we have recently created the world’s first ever fictional free trade area of 47 countries despite the misgivings of the ever-grumbling Nigerians.
African is now a global partner. Unlike the 1884 Berlin conference, where our resources were looted by those colonialists, African leaders today can determine their own debt. The 2018 China-African summit which I attended myself shows that at least we Africans can now determine who should steal from us. That is progress my friends.
This year we welcomed FLOTUS Melania Trump to our neighbourhood. I was disappointed that she neglected to stop by Uganda, and indulge in a favourite family sport with a spot of trophy hunting! Perhaps it is for the best...her uniform of choice might have damaged my credentials as a true revolutionary. Imagine the terrible symbolism: the pith-helmeted coloniser, posing with the cowboy-hatted cowb- wait, oh never mind.
While Theresa May was hot-stepping in on tour, I was busy defending our nation from a dangerous revolutionary. Slum rat Robert Kyagulanyi, a.k.a Bobi Wine, decided to take me on- and what a mistake! He soon learned that my faithful security forces are on hand to beat the peace back into any protester who crosses the line.
His childish temper tantrums forced me to come to terms with a harsh reality- I cannot evade dealing with social media any longer. I soon learned that The Face Book was instrumental in organising many of the protests which threatened to bring our country to its knees. My advisers told me it would not be possible to simply censor the chapters concerning civil unrest, so I have been left with no choice but to tax the entire catalogue. Gossipers will pay for spreading mis-truths (although fines will be waived for those in parliament, where such behaviour is actively encouraged).
And so, my dear Bazukulu, I pray you take a moment to savour all that I have done to protect out beloved Uganda for another year. I wish you all a peaceful, subdued and subordinate 2019.
I thanK you
For God and My Country