A rare protest is to be allowed in Uganda without the smell of tear gas for the first time in 32 years. President Museveni is to lead a “protest” apparently against corruption in his own government and party, the M&M’s (Museveni and Museveni's, not to be mistaken with M&Ms sweets) aka, The Real NRM.
The move has struck fear into the wallets of his clansmen and other patronised ministers after the theme: “A corruption-free Uganda starts with me” was proposed by the real M&M progressives.
Museveni’s government is well known for unleashing military police on protesters and roughing up journalists.
The shocking truth is that he has gone as far as reassuring journalists that, this time, they won't be beaten up, as they are covering a government protest against citizens - not the other way around.
“This is not like the protests led by now forgotten Kizza Besigye with his walk to work to nonsense. This time, we are walking nowhere specifically ... it's a just a stunt.” the government spokesperson assured the confused citizens.
The president added that everyone will be welcome to walk, as it is not led by the power-drunk People Power Movement, headed by the so-called Ghetto President, Bono Wine.
Not many M&M supporters are convinced. “It is truly appalling that Museveni is using a language of anti-corruption, a line reserved for oppositions and Western media,” one now former M&M party youth activist complained.
On the other hand, the old imperialists, TIME 100-Next colonialist group, applauded the shift to progressive populist rhetoric by recognising that ungrateful power drunk Bono Wine. “We’re absolutely delighted that the right honourable Museveni has finally come round to our anti-corruption, anti-African way of thinking, job bloody well done. We can pack up and leave now.”
In response to comments that Bono Wine would sabotage the protest, the President arrogantly added, “anyway, don't worry about Bono. He is too preoccupied with his latest accidental fame. Influential Namunagani? I fought in the bush and won 5 presidential elections, who else can be more influential?”
In preparation for a walk, he has lost 30kg in an effort to put a youthful spring back in his step and, crucially, more easily outrun the opposition should things turn violent. “Never mind, I am the authority.”
The protest is scheduled to start on 4th December and will end whenever the Ruler decides.